Category Archives: Blog

Personal Inventory of Unhealthy Relationships

April 6, 2015Blog, When Love HurtsMamiko

Answer “YES” or “NO” to the following questions and reconnect with life’s lessons on having healthy, loving and committed relationships.

Do you find yourself being attracted to partners who can’t seem to commit to you?

Do you want the relationship more than your partner?

Do you find that you put more effort into pleasing your partner?

Is it hard for you to get thoughts of your partner out of your head?

Are you finding it hard to trust your partner?

Do you find you’re “checking up” on your partner?

Do you try to manipulate or control your partner or does your partner do this to you?

Do you or your partner get back at the other through “disguised anger” in which neither of you talks about real feelings of hurt, anger, and disappointment”

Do you or your partner often hold in your feelings, only to explode over minor incidents?
Do you or your partner disregard or minimize the other’s feelings and wishes?

Are you or you partner becoming easily irritated and you fueling more arguments?

Do your arguments center on not being prioritized?

Do you look to your partner for self worth and identity?

Do you focus on the past?

Do you worry about your future with your partner?
Are you overcritical of yourself, your partner and others around you?
Do you or your partner blame each other for actions or undesirable results?

You don’t feel your partner “has your back,” or isn’t there to support you.

Are only a small number of your needs met?

Do your close friends and family warn you about your partner?

Have you become bored with your partner and have a lifeless relationship?

You know you’re “settling.”

Do you feel trapped?

Are you finding it harder to trust your feelings?

Do you or your partner press to eliminate or minimize the time away from friends and family?

Are you afraid of your partner?

Has you partner physically or emotionally abused you?

Do you or your partner find yourselves raging when angry (yelling, losing emotional control)?

Have your arguments resulted in physical violence?

Do you or your partner follow rigid guidelines of what is the right behavior?

You experience little physical affection.

You experience little emotional closeness.

Do you feel that you can’t be yourself around your partner?

Your partner shows little respect for your thoughts and feelings.

Do you have too much or too little sex.

Do you or your partner lack “physical boundaries” where there is violation of personal space of getting too close, being unaware or discarding your own or your partner’s physical needs, rules, or guidelines such as allowing a stranger to get too close physically, inappropriate sexual touch rather than warm embrace or handshake?

Do you or your partner lack “emotional boundaries” in which neither of you are able to establish and stick to healthy guidelines or rules of behaviors such as inability to say “no” or vacillate back and forth about how you think, feel, or act?

Do you have difficulty knowing or separating your feelings from your partner?

Do you take responsibility for your partner’s feelings or actions?

Do you undertake action that goes against your moral or spiritual compass?

I hope you found these questions thought provoking, and while your mind is focused on how these red flags might apply to you, as a special gift, I would like to invite you to join me in an Introductory Discovery Consultation where you can ask me anything you like. We can also zero in on your goals and the ways you can achieve them.

Please call me at 480-391-1184 or email me with your PHONE number and best times for your Complimentary Appointment. I look forward to getting to know YOU and helping you have the life you dream of.

Wishing you love, happiness, and success,

Unhealthy Relationship Patterns That Raise Red Flags

April 6, 2015Blog, When Love Hurtsrelationships, unhealthy relationshipMamiko

Do you ever feel like you totally missed the class where life was teaching you everything you need to know about making relationships work? Does that also leave you feeling stuck in some unhealthy relationship patterns? The default strategies with which you learn to arm yourself often kick in without you even being aware you developed them… starting with the moment you feel that “crush” where feelings take hold, yet inevitably, time after time, crash and burn and leave you unable to move on with life.

Ironically, the behaviors you counted on to move you into a healthy, loving, and committed relationship wind up taking you in the opposite direction – left not with love but tremendous pain and fear that you are forever destined to be alone. I encourage you to look back upon the wreckage of your relationships, and agree it is time cleanse yourself of the old destructive patterns that have brought you here today; overwhelmed by insecurities and fear of relationships. Worst yet, you don’t even trust yourself, and you’re losing that dream of finding “the one.”

The following indicators of potentially unhealthy relationship patterns are intended to develop your awareness – how to recognize them and begin to let them go. Imagine breaking through these red flags, and stopping once and for all unhealthy love relationships. Yes, there’s change for you to have a love that is mutually trusting, committed, and EXTRAordinary!

Answer “YES” or “NO” to the following questions and reconnect with life’s lessons on having healthy, loving and committed relationships.

Do you find yourself being attracted to partners who can’t seem to commit to you?

Do you want the relationship more than your partner?

Do you find that you put more effort into pleasing your partner?

Is it hard for you to get thoughts of your partner out of your head?

Are you finding it hard to trust your partner?

Do you find you’re “checking up” on your partner?

Do you try to manipulate or control your partner or does your partner do this to you?

Do you or your partner get back at the other through “disguised anger” in which neither of you talks about real feelings of hurt, anger, and disappointment”

Do you or your partner often hold in your feelings, only to explode over minor incidents?
Do you or your partner disregard or minimize the other’s feelings and wishes?

Are you or you partner becoming easily irritated and you fueling more arguments?

Do your arguments center on not being prioritized?

Do you look to your partner for self worth and identity?

Do you focus on the past?

Do you worry about your future with your partner?
Are you overcritical of yourself, your partner and others around you?
Do you or your partner blame each other for actions or undesirable results?

You don’t feel your partner “has your back,” or isn’t there to support you.

Are only a small number of your needs met?

Do your close friends and family warn you about your partner?

Have you become bored with your partner and have a lifeless relationship?

You know you’re “settling.”

Do you feel trapped?

Are you finding it harder to trust your feelings?

Do you or your partner press to eliminate or minimize the time away from friends and family?

Are you afraid of your partner?

Has you partner physically or emotionally abused you?

Do you or your partner find yourselves raging when angry (yelling, losing emotional control)?

Have your arguments resulted in physical violence?

Do you or your partner follow rigid guidelines of what is the right behavior?

You experience little physical affection.

You experience little emotional closeness.

Do you feel that you can’t be yourself around your partner?

Your partner shows little respect for your thoughts and feelings.

You have too much or too little sex.

I hope you found these thought provoking – and while your mind is focused on how these red flags might apply to you, as a special gift, I would like to invite you to join me in an Introductory Complimentary Consultation where you can ask me anything you like. We can also zero in on your goals and the ways you can achieve them.

Please call me at 480-391-1184 or email me your best times and dates so we can set up your complimentary appointment. I look forward to getting to know YOU!

Wishing you love, happiness, and success,

Mamiko

Should I Leave or Stay?

April 6, 2015Blog, When Love HurtsShould I Leave or Stay, When love hurtsMamiko

“When love hurts” is often the focus when I work with clients in my coaching practice. I hear so many times, “I love her but I’m not in love with her.” Some lose hope that their affection for each other can ever be regained. The passion, the romance, the fun, the excitement are gone. At some point, however, a decision must be made; the following questions may assist you in answering the question, “Should I leave or stay?”

Do you still love each other?

If there is affection and caring for each other, hope remains. Many couples that I have worked with find themselves being intimate with each other for the first time and finding an even deeper level of love and passion.

Do you want to work on your relationship?

This means looking at yourself and taking personal responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and actions– rather than just looking for your partner to change.

How have you contributed to the dissatisfaction and conflict in your relationship?

The solution is not to leave and get another partner, because there is a tendency to re-experience the same conflicts – just with different partners. The solution is to truthfully examine your own actions and the “dance” you have created with your partner so you each can grow and make the best decision for yourselves.

What needs and wants are not being met by your partner?

This is a time for you and your partner to start over to allow both of you to have your needs met. It’s about creating win-win solutions. Are you both capable of wanting to fulfill the other’s wants and wishes?

Are you still physically or sexually attracted to your partner?

Appearances change, but you can begin to be more attracted once again as your feelings of affection re-emerge. For some who place a premium on appearance and attraction, this could be a deal breaker, because physical and sexual attraction may be strongly associated with love.

Do you still have common interests?

Many couples discover they have drifted apart over the years with little interests in common. They each seem to be pursuing their own interests and becoming more disengaged. If mutual interests can be revived, you can feel more connected together.

Do you have the capacity to have fun together?

So often when couples come for counseling or coaching, they spend much time talking about issues in their relationships. It’s critical to just enjoy, relax, and have fun trying out new activities, old ones, and appreciate and savor the simple daily beauty and pleasures of life such as watching a sunset together, biking together, or walking hand in hand while sharing feelings about the events of the day.

Will you have a sense of peace if you leave?

If you decide to leave your relationship without exploring and participating in all your options for reconciliation and rebuilding of your relationship, will you question and torture yourself with uncertainty of your decision? If you stay and explore how you really feel towards your partner and the actions that you jointly have contributed to the current situation, and you still decide to leave, you will have a significantly greater sense of peace and comfort that you earnestly gave your best effort in reconciling and rebuilding the marriage.

You may be interested to know that the majority of couples that come to me, because they are undecided about whether to continue their marriage, have recommitted to each other and found even more love, understanding, support, closeness, tenderness, respect, and companionship than they ever experienced before. If you need help whether to stay or leave, I’m a phone call away. Call now for your private consultation to see if a VIP Retreat, 48 Hour Love Makeover™ or Concierge Program can help you to quickly decide and to gain peace of mind.

Act on Love™ towards yourself and those around you.

TAKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO THE NEXT LEVEL – LOVE OR DARE?

April 6, 2015Blog, Want More LoveMamiko

When you have been dating someone for an extended period, or perhaps even living together, there comes a time to step up your relationship. Do you initiate the discussion? Or do you stand by, waiting for your love interest to take the reins of your life together?

First you begin to build up resentment about your relationship.

In the ideal world, this is a topic that mutually comes to the forefront of your minds as the synergy of your relationship evolves. However, this rarely happens, making it crucial that you be the one to initiate. “Why me?” you ask. If you don’t initiate, you begin to act and respond in several ways. First you begin to build up resentment about your relationship. When this happens, you begin to become more critical of your partner and begin to withdraw emotionally and physically.

Secondly, you might be experiencing anxiety about “another one who doesn’t commit and will probably leave you.” When anxiety hits, it’s easy to feel insecure about yourself, jealous, and suspicious. You might then go on an even more uncomfortable, suspicious path trying to check emails, voicemails, or where your partner has been…or you become the doormat, the “people-pleaser,” trying to guess at what will make your loved one happy and fall in love with you. You then become co-dependent making his life your life, and become obsessed about what he’s thinking, feeling, and doing.

Here are some ways to figure out if he’s the one for you and if you should step up your commitment:

Are you really falling for this guy?
Be truthful about your real feelings and motives. Are you really falling for this guy? Or are you feeling so unworthy and desperate that you must cling to anyone who pays attention to you or stays with you? Do you truly like, love, and respect your partner?
Do you have mutual interests and are you compatible? Do you find yourselves excited to see each other, and that your conversations are intimate so that you are able to be your true self? Or do you find yourself lonely and feeling unimportant, often left out while he gathers with his friends or prioritizes work too much?
Does he bring out the best in you and ,make you feel precious? Does he make you laugh and feel playful? Are you a great listener and supporter, spontaneously showing verbal and physical affection, and feeling comfortable pursuing your own activities, privately or with others?

If you answered yes to the above, then it’s time for a heart-to-heart talk where you can share your feelings and desire.

Start with a message that lets him know the qualities you find attractive in him and why he’s so special to you. Then let him know you want to have a deeper level of commitment (dating each other exclusively, moving in together, engagement, or marriage) and what that looks like and feels like for you. Don’t do this after making love, talking in the bedroom, or your lover’s home. Otherwise, you might be confusing your feelings about having sex rather than the person that you want to possibly spend your life with. Instead pick a neutral public territory such as a restaurant, park, beach, or even sitting in the car admiring a scenic view or sunset.
Give him time to respond. He may need to think it over, because he may enjoy keeping the relationship as is. By allowing your partner the chance to explore his feelings and to come up with how he is feeling towards you and envision going forward, you are allowing him freedom and letting go of control. He will respect you and have even deeper feelings for you.
Once you have the discussion, then back off talking about commitment. Nothing turns someone off quicker than repeatedly discussing a topic without any clear resolution. Your partner begins to be less enthusiastic about getting together or deepening your relationship. Instead focus on having fun and making your time together so special that he can’t get enough of you and wants you in his life!
This creates a win-win scenario
When you both are on the same page and mutually wanting to experience a deeper level of relationship commitment and intimacy, you can then discuss ways that serve both of your needs. This creates a win-win scenario in which you both are working together to bring out your love.

If you partner is truly noncommittal, it might be time to move on. This way you can make way for a new partner who is possibly more appreciative and loving towards you to emerge. It’s better to be in no relationship than a bad relationship. After all, you don’t need to settle – you deserve the best!

This was originally in Smartfem Sept 8, 2014.

Should I Stay or Leave? The Ultimate Relationship Conflict

April 5, 2015Blog, When Love HurtsShould I Stay or LeaveMamiko

So often during my over 30-year career as a therapist and coach, I am asked the question, “Should I leave or stay?” Individuals and couples are conflicted because:

They still care about the other but there is no real love or passion;
Feel guilty;
Are worried about the effects of separation and divorce on their children,
Don’t want to repeat the patterns they experienced growing up with divorced parents;
Are anxious about what others might think of them and feel ashamed to be divorced;
Are apprehensive about what would happen financially and whether they could be self-supporting;
Are reluctant to pay for the high emotional and financial costs of divorce;
Wrestle with the effects of infidelity and whether he or she can ever trust and forgive the partner;
Are confused and uncertain whether the partner can remain faithful; or
Are fearful that they will never find another person to love and marry them.

To stay in a loveless relationship or to be abused in any way emotionally or physically is not healthy for any individual. The key factors in deciding to stay really have to do with the constellation of patterns that have existed for some time. For instance, have your emotional needs been absent for a long time? Do you long for someone who is affectionate with you verbally and physically? Yet, this is not nor ever has been your mate…he or she is not overly affectionate. Does your partner have the capacity to love you in the ways you desire? You may have thought by staying in a relationship in which you are the model of love; sharing freely and openly your thoughts and feelings, being demonstrative by saying and showing you love him or her, doing thoughtful gestures that meet the others wants and needs – that he or she would eventually change. You may have believed that ultimately your partner could change to show love in the ways that you desire if you could love that person enough (or for some, complain enough).

The reality remains if your needs are unmet and your partner is not willing to do all he or she can to fulfill them or lacks the desire to change; you are probably wasting your time. What you see while dating or prior to a committed relationship is, unfortunately, what you get later. Resentment, criticalness, and dissatisfaction with your mate build over time, exacerbating, even more, your sense of hurt, feeling unprioritized and unimportant, sad, and angry. These feeling are even more poignant and consuming if there have been incidents of infidelity.

However, on the other hand, if your partner does desire to and is willing to work on your relationship, anything is possible. Even if passion has been absent for some time, as long as there is some amount of love or caring, there is hope. Relationships can be revitalized and a greater sense of closeness can be achieved through:

Determining and attaining the level of commitment that each partner has to be open, honest, and giving his or her best effort to change oneself (too often couples erroneous believe that if the other partner changes, everything will be alright);
Exploration and clarification of the needs of each partner;
Learning how to communicate on an authentic and deeper level of their thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants;
Increasing awareness and skills to provide emotional and physical support;
Letting go of anger, hurt, sadness, betrayal, and disappointment;
Forgiveness of self and mate;
Sexual and physical connection;
Having fun and enjoying common activities; and
Ability to have gratitude for your partner and your life.

Yes, as long as you mutually want to work on your relationship, your relationship can be stronger, more loving, and happier than ever. If you or your partner are unwilling to do everything possible, to be honest, committed, and tender with each other, then either you are probably doomed to a life of being unfulfilled, becoming more sad and bitter and/or becoming unfaithful or being cheated upon by your mate. Your decision to leave can be a celebration of your honoring, loving, and valuing yourself and your commitment to creating your own happiness rather than settling for what is safe. The choice is up to you…Either decision can create the life that you deserve and dream of!

Mamiko Odegard, Ph.D. is the founder of ACT ON LOVE™, a life coach, author of Daily Affirmations for Love, and married for over 40 years to the love of her life. Dr. Mamiko has helped thousand of individuals and couples in her over 30 years as a psychologist and individual and marriage therapist. She can help you dramatically and quickly change your life and relationships through her empowered coaching, VIP Intensive Retreats including her revolutionary 48 Hour Love Makeover Program™ and Concierge Program.

I am More than my Appearance: Let Love Start with Me!

March 20, 2015BlogMamiko

My empowering YOU3 program is founded on the principle love begins with the relationship with yourself. Today’s post addresses that in: I am More than my Appearance: Let Love Start with Me! I read a recent article about negative self-defeating thoughts that jumped out for one woman when she weighed herself at the doctor’s office. She immediately went into a tailspin about her weight, unattractiveness, and how others would notice. One of her solutions was to go shopping to perk herself up! Do you know just how dangerous this practice is for so many men and women when they’re SO down, anxious, bored, or stressed they turn to shopping? Sometimes the toys or wardrobe can be quite costly and plunge the individual into debt and actually increase the feelings of helplessness, depression, and being overwhelmed. Besides, you’re treating the symptoms and not the source of the disgust and feelings of inadequacy. Notice the triggers in your escalating emotions. For this woman, it was stepping on the scale; a practice she had long eliminated. In fact earlier in the day, she felt proud and beautiful, rejoicing in her day. Then suddenly, with a certain number, she was devastated, pushing back to her past, and reliving the many limiting and self-sabotaging thoughts and beliefs. When you find yourself reverting to the harsh critic within, here are the following steps to “fall in love” with yourself again.

Love = Stop the Critical Messages

First stop the critical messages and take a moment to notice what you are telling yourself.

What are the actual beliefs that prevent you from embracing yourself?
Are you telling yourself that you’ll never be attractive, no one would want you; no one would ever marry the you they view as ugly, fat, and lazy?
Write down these beliefs, which serve as the basis for your immediate moment-by-moment unproductive thoughts. These beliefs are in essence, your operational rules for your life and well-being.

Love = Remember Your Beauty

Remind yourself that you are the very same beautiful, vibrant person before stepping on a scale, hearing critical comments from your inner voice or from others, feeling rejected, or avoided by others. You do have power over your thoughts and feelings.

Love = Practice Positive Affirmations

Practice affirmations or beliefs that are supportive of you. You might write down compliments or supportive, nurturing statements that you have given yourself in the past when you were feeling loving and accepting of yourself. Read, think, and say them now. For instance, you might think:
This situation gives me the opportunity to love and affirm myself.
My body serves me well.
I am practicing ways to keep my body strong, slim, and healthy
I choose to accept my body.
I radiate love and energy within me and to those whom I meet.
I am attractive and am magnetic to those whom I talk with.
I am learning to love and accept my body more each day.

You are on your way to having the love you so deeply desire…starting with yourself first. Dr. Mamiko Odegard, the love and relationship expert and founder of ACT on Love™, helps you to find your true love by providing the tools and skills so you can feel and be extraordinary. Only then can you really claim and know your value and preciousness and show love to yourself and others. Let Dr. Mamiko help you today to jumpstart your love to gain the love and passion you crave, and the life you dream of. Click here to schedule your Introductory Discovery Consultation… All change begins with awareness, and it begins with you! Image: http://www.freeimages.com/photo/1432101

Miracles, Momentum and Manifestation; International Best Seller

March 19, 2015BlogMamiko

Miracles, Momentum and Manifestation revealed for me the deep truth there are myriad ways we can use our voices and present our messages to the world. I have had the privilege of doing so through consulting, coaching, workshops, speaking engagements, interviews, articles, blog posts, social media,interviews and the most arduous journey of all… as a published author. My first venture, Daily Affirmations for Love: 365 Days of Love in Thought and Action was a compilation of many years of “walking my talk” as a renowned expert in love and relationships. Being ever so grateful to my wonderful husband, Greg, the book initially was to honor him and the forty plus years of an equally wonderful marriage. It grew into a larger project – the foundation for a significant turn in the direction of my business, with the decision to focus on showing others how to ACT on Love, and how – in doing so – they would have the life and the love they desired and deserved.

Since the book was first published in 2011, my expertise as a love and relationship expert has expanded; my visibility has put me in front of people whose marriages were on rocky ground; marriages which were salvaged through using my unique YOU-3 approach, which addresses all relationships in which you engage… beginning with the relationship you have with yourself, and expanding to that you have with other friends, family and peers, and finally – to the ultimate love partner for which we all search. I have since created other specialty programs for couples and mixed singles – the most popular seems to be MANthology 101. I was fortunate enough to give reference to a certain number of the underlying principles from MANthology 101 in Miracles, Momentum and Manifestation (Amazon). My Chapter: “The Miracle of MAN-i-festing the Ultimate Love Relationship” addresses the reality that healthy relationships should be based on love, – or so we think! It asks the reader, “Does it seem you and your love partner speak two totally different languages?” The answer to that question can be found as you discover how to identify your partner’s preference for communicating love, while creating the best version of yourself and learning the art of mindful loving.

Click here to Buy Miracles, Momentum and Manifestation in Paperback and Kindle Editions.

Dumped? 10 Ways to Get Over Your Ex

March 19, 2015BlogMamiko

How do you get over your ex when you’re miserable?

Your heart aches, your stomach hurts, and you’re filled with confusion, second guesses, sadness, despair, and anxiety as your head spins and your emotions churn. How will you ever survive?

Maybe you feel like you gave your all to this relationship; being ever so considerate, taking his needs and wants into account, prioritizing him, communicating with him, and enjoying passionate sex together. No matter how you view his ending your relationship, it just doesn’t make sense.

Here Are 10 Ways to Get Over Your Ex When He Drops the Bomb:

1. Allow Yourself to Feel the Necessary Emotions.

When you first learn your ex is leaving or has already left you, it’s natural to feel shocked and experience a sense of denial.

“Oh, this isn’t really happening to me.”
“This is temporary; he’ll be back.”
“He just needs space for a while… to cool down.”
“He’s pulled away before…he needs me.”
As time passes, your emotions will be up and down like a roller coaster, ranging from sadness and devastation, to anger, fear, “bargaining” that he will come back if you change, and grieving when you realize he isn’t coming back to you.

The best gift that you can give yourself is to allow yourself to feel your feelings. Cry if you need to cry, yell and curse or physically let go of anger through exercise, hitting or kicking objects that can safely vent your anguish.

2. Talk Out Your Feelings with Your Closest Confidants

Family and friends can be a strong source of support and love for you now. Talk things out and allow them to simply listen. They don’t have to agree with you that he’s a bastard for leaving you, but they can show their understanding of where you are coming from. Of course, it’s not always possible to call your best friend, especially in the middle of the night. During those late nights when you can’t sleep, write down your thoughts and feelings to let them out and to more precisely talk about your hurt later with those closest to you or to a therapist or coach. It’s okay to lean on friends, family and professional support… especially during the most vulnerable times.

3. Stop Second-Guessing What Went Wrong

You can keep torturing yourself for a very long time, trying to figure out what you did and said to him that triggered his leaving. The reality remains… you may never really know. If you have to guess why he left, then you obviously were not in an intimate emotional relationship, meaning he wasn’t telling you the truth about how he was thinking and feeling about you. The more you think about what you should have said, or could have done, the more you feel like a failure and begin to conjure catastrophes, building the fear that you’ll never find a lover like your ex; that no one will ever love you.

4. If your Relationship is Truly Over, Don’t Call Your Ex for Closure.

It’s easy to delude yourself into thinking that if you really knew the reasons why he left you, you could handle the situation better and move on. If your relationship were healthy and honest, you would’ve already discussed splitting and the importance of going your separate ways. Calling and texting your ex only serves to confirm to him that he made the right decision, making you appear insecure and undesirable. This also includes not contacting his friends to reveal secrets about why he called it quits.

5. Write Down Behaviors that Were Dissatisfying or the Ways Your Ex Hurt or Betrayed You

If you are honest with yourself, you’ll accept there were some key characteristics and behaviors that had bothered you, violated your trust, or hurt you. When you are craving to have your lover back, write them down and read through the list of ways he betrayed, wounded, or irritated you. Let your man fall off his pedestal and be seen for who he really was, not your fantasy of him.

6. Recognize the Times When You Feel the Most Vulnerable, and Allow Others To Be with You

This doesn’t mean talking endlessly with your support system about your grieving, anger, or loneliness. Instead it’s preparing for the times when you struggle the most – such as evenings or weekends. Empower yourself and make plans to be with your family, friends, or even acquaintances to participate in fun or different activities.

7. Give Yourself Time to Heal and Abstain from Dating

This time period can be anywhere from 6 -12 months.When your relationship ends, it may seem easier to medicate the pain and to enhance your “attract-ability factor” by going out with as many people as you can. Does this really help you… or are you trying to send your ex a message: “Hey, look how desirable I am!” Realize that you are trying to make yourself feel good in a manipulative, unhealthy manner. If you happen to “click” with another person, it’s highly likely a rebound, and you’re probably doing more damage to your esteem and confidence, because you keep attracting the wrong type of lover. It’s the quality of the relationship that, in the end, is far more important than how many lovers can you date or seduce. Instead, allow yourself to grieve and let go rather than covering up with shopping, eating, drugs, alcohol, dating, sex, and gambling.

8. View this Turbulent Time as Temporary

The feelings of hurt, rejection, confusion, sadness, and overwhelm will not last forever. Did your ex truly show you love, affection, and tenderness through words and actions? If he didn’t, you would not ever be satisfied. Instead, you’d feel resentful, which would ultimately grow like a tumor. You would begin to pick at your ex more with criticisms and withholding loving actions and sex, creating a negative spiral of tension, anger, and withdrawal.

9. Let Go

When you want a relationship that is more vibrant and lasting in your life, you must make room for positive change. This means letting of your past lover(s) so you can begin to attract someone that can appreciate and love you for the person that you are; someone who can be your soul mate. How many times have you known people who end their relationships, only to find a year or two down the line that they have found their perfect match?

10. Go From Victim to Victor!

When you are wounded, you attract vultures that mistreat you, put you down, and undermine your self worth, confidence; deepening the nagging fear inside that no one will ever love you. You then settle for less than you deserve, and perhaps even lose your identity, trying so hard to please your newfound partner. Such behavior includes doing what he wants, and being careful to not disagree or raise his ire, as you battle your fear of rejection and abandonment. This is why it’s so important to get to the source of what’s keeping you stuck in unhealthy relationships, which, over a matter of time reveals your next lover becoming angry and disillusioned with you as you repeat a dreadful pattern of love and loss. It’s time for you to create your best self, to feel extraordinary. Only then can you become irresistible, because your love, respect and kind actions toward yourself shine within and reflect outwardly towards others. When you are the empowered victor, you attract and keep a lover who can cherish you, protect you, and nourish that growing love between the two of you.

You can have that love you’ve always wanted! Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, you hold the power and the keys to the kingdom. Whenever, you fall into your black hole, it is an opportunity for you to grow and to create your best self. May you feel and be extraordinary!

Quickly Healing the Pain

February 25, 2015Blog, When Love HurtsMamiko

The Pain of Separation-How Long Will It Last?

You’ve just lost your lover, your best friend, your constant companion. You’ve cried yourself to sleep each night since he or she left. You can’t function during the day, feeling as if you’re in a daze, unable to focus on tasks that need to be accomplished. People’s voices around you just seem to be a buzz; you can see their mouths moving and talking to you, but you can’t comprehend. You’re distraught, scared, confused, and feel uncertain of yourself, overwhelmed and lost.

You’re going through the initial stages of shock and grieving. You can’t believe this is happening to you. Your mind can’t stop thinking of what you might have done wrong to cause your lover to leave you. Even worse, your head is filled with unending circular questions that your brain can’t answer, causing you to go from one question to another-

“Why doesn’t he/she love me?”
What did I do wrong?”
“Is there someone else?
“Why didn’t I see this coming?”
“Why is he/she doing this to me?”
“Did he/she step out on me?”
“Will he/she ever come back to me?”

Obviously, you’re unable to answer any of these questions, only heightening your pain even more. The important thing is to be aware of how you are exacerbating your hurt and confusion even more whenever you start asking yourself these never-ending questions.

These three steps speed your healing from the emptiness, loneliness, sadness, and pain of separation:

1. Become aware of your circular questions– These get you nowhere, they cause you to be more obsessed, more overwhelmed, and feeling powerless. You can never truly figure out what the other person’s actual motives might be.

2. STOP as soon as you become aware that you are asking yourself circular questions. You’re now starting to take control over your thoughts and emotions so you can decide your next steps.

3. Redirect to questions that reclaim your power.
You have the ability to redirect questions that help you take action such as “what” would be helpful to you now and “how” can you go about this.

When life throws lemons your way, how do you handle them? Call Dr. Mamiko now at 480-391-1184, if you’re ready to move on and gain new insights and quick skills to create an even better life for yourself. You don’t have to be stuck and in pain…You can grow and be even happier. Yes, you are lovable and are loved!

Ready to take steps to move on? Mamiko Odegard, Ph.D., is just a phone call away at 480-391-1184. Or if you prefer, email Success@drmamiko.com with your PHONE NUMBER and best times to connect. Why struggle trying to sort it all out yourself? Change can begin now!