Can your relationship after an affair ever truly be resolved with love and passion restored?  When you and your partner’s true intentions and conscious loving actions are demonstrated, hope can turn into lasting love, passion, and fidelity in your relationship.

In many cases, when the relationship is toxic with repeated violations of broken promises and irreparable mistrust, the healthy choice and often the best choice is to end the relationship.  However, having worked with thousands of individuals and couples, positive changes are indeed possible.

The secrets of recovering from an affair:

• Essential communication and support. As soon as you find out that your partner has cheated on you, you are overcome with intense emotions:  Confusion, questioning your own femininity and desirability, and second-guessing yourself and your partner, which leads to even more hurt.  Openly communicate your pain.  Your partner’s job is to listen and to show you understand, caring and compassion.
• Being honest. When your partner catches you in the act or asks you questions about the affair, answer questions honestly and thoroughly.  This can help both the hurting partner and the partner who stepped outside the relationship.  Nothing gets resolved by hiding or denying what has happened.
• Understand why the affair occurred. It’s important that each of you understand how and why the infidelity occurred.  Did it start out innocently in confiding with a co-worker or did opportunities simply arise when the two of you were able to travel alone together?  Perhaps, one or both of you were becoming bored with your relationship or that you didn’t feel prioritized by the other?
• Avoid blaming your partner. Have you ever witnessed blaming to be an effective technique for building closeness and intimacy?  The answer is a resounding “NO!”  Blaming fuels the hurt and anger and your partner may justify becoming angry and defensive.
• Take responsibility for your part in the relationship. Your partner who committed the transgression must fully tale responsibility for his actions. You must also be willing to acknowledge your contributions to the problems in the relationship.
• Be willing to change. Rather than simply waiting for your partner to change his feelings and behaviors towards you, it’s critical that you also change, thereby affecting your partner.
• Be willing to apologize. This is the necessary precursor to forgiving yourself and/or your partner to allow you to become closer.
• Be willing to let go and forgive. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting.  Rather you exercise the choice to forgive, which is a gift for you and for your man.

As long as love, respect, and commitment to each other are still intact, your relationship can survive and even thrive after an affair.  It takes cooperation, patience, forgiveness, and learning from the past to make the necessary changes to allow your love to bloom again.

Originally posted at smartfem.com

Answer “YES” or “NO” to the following questions and reconnect with life’s lessons on having healthy, loving and committed relationships.

1. Do you find yourself being attracted to partners who can’t seem to commit to you?

2. Do you want the relationship more than your partner?

3. Do you find that you put more effort into pleasing your partner?

4. Is it hard for you to get thoughts of your partner out of your head?

5. Are you finding it hard to trust your partner?

6. Do you find you’re “checking up” on your partner?

7. Do you try to manipulate or control your partner or does your partner do this to you?

8. Do you or your partner get back at the other through “disguised anger” in which neither of you talks about real feelings of hurt, anger, and disappointment”

9. Do you or your partner often hold in your feelings, only to explode over minor incidents?
10. Do you or your partner disregard or minimize the other’s feelings and wishes?

11. Are you or you partner becoming easily irritated and you fueling more arguments?

12. Do your arguments center on not being prioritized?

13. Do you look to your partner for self worth and identity?

14. Do you focus on the past?

15. Do you worry about your future with your partner?
16. Are you overcritical of yourself, your partner and others around you?
17. Do you or your partner blame each other for actions or undesirable results?

18. You don’t feel your partner “has your back,” or isn’t there to support you.

19. Are only a small number of your needs met?

20. Do your close friends and family warn you about your partner?

21. Have you become bored with your partner and have a lifeless relationship?

22. You know you’re “settling.”

23. Do you feel trapped?

24. Are you finding it harder to trust your feelings?

25. Do you or your partner press to eliminate or minimize the time away from friends and family?

26. Are you afraid of your partner?

27. Has you partner physically or emotionally abused you?

28. Do you or your partner find yourselves raging when angry (yelling, losing emotional control)?

29. Have your arguments resulted in physical violence?

30. Do you or your partner follow rigid guidelines of what is the right behavior?

31. You experience little physical affection.

32. You experience little emotional closeness.

33. Do you feel that you can’t be yourself around your partner?

34. Your partner shows little respect for your thoughts and feelings.

35. Do you have too much or too little sex.

36. Do you or your partner lack “physical boundaries” where there is violation of personal space of getting too close, being unaware or discarding your own or your partner’s physical needs, rules, or guidelines such as allowing a stranger to get too close physically, inappropriate sexual touch rather than warm embrace or handshake?

37. Do you or your partner lack “emotional boundaries” in which neither of you are able to establish and stick to healthy guidelines or rules of behaviors such as inability to say “no” or vacillate back and forth about how you think, feel, or act?

38. Do you have difficulty knowing or separating your feelings from your partner?

39. Do you take responsibility for your partner’s feelings or actions?

40. Do you undertake action that goes against your moral or spiritual compass?

I hope you found these questions thought provoking, and while your mind is focused on how these red flags might apply to you, as a special gift, I would like to invite you to join me in an Introductory Discovery Consultation where you can ask me anything you like. We can also zero in on your goals and the ways you can achieve them.

Please call me at 480-391-1184 or email me with your PHONE number and best times for your Complimentary Appointment. I look forward to getting to know YOU and helping you have the life you dream of.

Wishing you love, happiness, and success,

The Pain of Separation-How Long Will It Last?

You’ve just lost your lover, your best friend, your constant companion. You’ve cried yourself to sleep each night since he or she left. You can’t function during the day, feeling as if you’re in a daze, unable to focus on tasks that need to be accomplished. People’s voices around you just seem to be a buzz; you can see their mouths moving and talking to you, but you can’t comprehend. You’re distraught, scared, confused, and feel uncertain of yourself, overwhelmed and lost.

You’re going through the initial stages of shock and grieving. You can’t believe this is happening to you. Your mind can’t stop thinking of what you might have done wrong to cause your lover to leave you. Even worse, your head is filled with unending circular questions that your brain can’t answer, causing you to go from one question to another-

• “Why doesn’t he/she love me?”
• What did I do wrong?”
• “Is there someone else?
• “Why didn’t I see this coming?”
• “Why is he/she doing this to me?”
• “Did he/she step out on me?”
• “Will he/she ever come back to me?”

Obviously, you’re unable to answer any of these questions, only heightening your pain even more. The important thing is to be aware of how you are exacerbating your hurt and confusion even more whenever you start asking yourself these never-ending questions.

These three steps speed your healing from the emptiness, loneliness, sadness, and pain of separation:

1. Become aware of your circular questions– These get you nowhere, they cause you to be more obsessed, more overwhelmed, and feeling powerless. You can never truly figure out what the other person’s actual motives might be.

2. STOP as soon as you become aware that you are asking yourself circular questions. You’re now starting to take control over your thoughts and emotions so you can decide your next steps.

3. Redirect to questions that reclaim your power.
You have the ability to redirect questions that help you take action such as “what” would be helpful to you now and “how” can you go about this.

When life throws lemons your way, how do you handle them? Call Dr. Mamiko now at 480-391-1184, if you’re ready to move on and gain new insights and quick skills to create an even better life for yourself. You don’t have to be stuck and in pain…You can grow and be even happier. Yes, you are lovable and are loved!

Ready to take steps to move on? Mamiko Odegard, Ph.D., is just a phone call away at 480-391-1184. Or if you prefer, email Success@drmamiko.com with your PHONE NUMBER and best times to connect. Why struggle trying to sort it all out yourself? Change can begin now!